Day 19: Developing Relationships

The chapter for day 19 looks at the characteristics you need to develop to create fellowship - in other words, what you need to do to build relationships with people in your small church group.

The first characteristics is honesty with a focus on approaching people who are doing the wrong thing, or what academics would call conflict resolution.  Conflict resolution doesn't come easily to most people.  I think because it is not something that gets taught and it is rarely something that people do.  Even on TV it is usually violence or insults that are passed off as conflict resolution.  In real life, this does not resolve conflict, it creates more.

Working in a bank with long-term clients means you sometimes have to say "no" to them.  Because I felt I was particularly bad at this and usually when I had a conflict with someone I would try to just ignore it (not an option when the powers that be won't approve a loan), I went off and did a conflict resolution course. There were three things I learnt that were key for me:

1. to resolve a conflict you have to talk to the relevant person about it, 
2. its much easier to deal with a small conflict than a large one, and 
3. a small conflict will escalate to a large conflict if you don't deal with it.

A couple of years ago, I saw someone loose hundreds of thousands of dollars because they wouldn't pick up a phone.  The other party told a third party about their problems with this person.  The third party passed on the information.  Rather than try to resolve the conflict, this person tried to avoid it.  As a result the relationship was severed and they are now chasing their money through the courts. If they had of made the phone call the relationship still might not have been saved, but it would at least have removed any doubt that the money was theirs and they would not now be in court.

The second characteristic is humility. Obviously no-one likes people who think they are better than everybody else, and the bible tells us neither does God:

  "In the same way, you younger men must accept the authority of the elders. And all of you, 

serve each other in humility, for 'God opposes the proud but favors the humble.' " (1 Peter 5:5)

Rick Warren writes "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less".  I did a google search to find out what it means to be humble. There are a lot of people with varying views on this, but I finally concluded that being humble is a variation on being honest.  No matter what you do, other people had to help you, even things you might consider to have been done alone by yourself.  Lets say you cooked a really good meal by yourself and without anyone's help, well unless you did all of the following, you had help:

1. hunted and butchered a wild animal;
2. collected and planted seeds to grow vegetables and fruits
3. where necessary, processed the plants, eg ground wheat to make flour
4. dug up iron ore, processed it to make steel and then produced pots, pans and knives and cutlery
5. dug up clay and made plates, bowls and cups
6. grew a forrest of trees and lit fires by rubbing two sticks together in order to cook the food (not to mention tasks 4 and 5) 
7. made the meal using your own reciepe

And even if you did do all those things, you still needed God's help to make everything available. So with anything we do, we can acknowledge the contribution of others and then we are being humble.

The third characteristic is courtesy. Rick Warren writes "Courtesy is respecting our differences, being considerate of each other's feelings, and being patient with people who irritate us."  He calls people we find difficult "ERG people" for "extra grace required".  When I first read The Purpose Driven Life, I was working with an ERG person.  The leader of the PRL group I was in suggested to for help when dealing with difficult people.  So I did, and while others I know still have issues with this person, he and I now get along well.

This also reminds me of a technique I learnt while working at a consultant firm for when you are criticised.  I think it would also work for any disagreements:

1. Listen - listen to the criticism eg someone tells you "This report is rubbish"
2. Acknowlege - acknowledge their view with reflective listening, eg "You think this report is no good"
3. Explore - ask for more details, eg "What needs to be done to improve it?".  The person might say something like - "Well, it is supposed to include information on X but it has been left out."
4. Respond - now you know the real problem you can fix it - "We can add that in."

It's tricky at first to not jump straight to "Respond", but it is worth persisting.  I was at a wedding a few years ago, while I was still working at the consultancy firm, and when I told someone on the table I worked there he said my firm had done a project at his work and it was rubbish.  In the past, I would have ended the conversation and just thought "well isn't he a bastard" but instead I said "That's no good, what was wrong?" after a long rant he talking himself around to saying that the team did a good job.  So in the end I didn't even need to "Respond".

The fourth characteristic is confidentiality or "what goes on tour, stays on tour".  Whatever is shared within your small church group, should stay within it.  You should not go and gossip about it to others and should confront anyone who does.  I know when people tell me unsavoury stories about others, which generally seem too over the top to be true anyway, I immediately wonder what that person is telling others about me and make a mental note not to share anything significant with them.  Fortunately, I have found that people like that generally have a reputation for being gossips and everyone is wary of them.

The fifth characteristic is frequency. It takes time to build up relationships, so you should attend the meetings regularly even when you don't feel like it.

Day 18: Fellowship

This chapter gets down to the nitty-gritty of fellowship. Its not just about attending church services, you need to participate in the church community.

This is done by breaking up into small groups because when groups get too large, people stop participating. I have recently experienced this myself with the local mothers club group. There were 20 people invited to join the group with the local maternal and child health nurse giving a presentation each week. After this, the idea was for the group to continue on its own. But I have quietly slipped away because there were too many people involved and I didn't feel comfortable dealing with such a large group. In the end I thought "I have lots of friends and not enough time to do all the things I want to do, so why am I wasting time with this group." I'm not sure that anyone has noticed that I'm gone as I still get group emails.

Just attending church services can be like this too. You could feel that if you didn't turn up no-one would notice you were gone. But in a small group you have the opportunity to build greater bonds.

The book identifies four benefits of being part of a small group within your church:

• authentic relationships with others,
• helping each other out,
• understanding and having your feelings validated, and
  
• mercy - forgiveness of sins.

In relation to this last point, Rick Warren makes the point that forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. You forgive people for what they have done in the past, but that does not mean you must instantly trust them to do the right thing in future or place yourself in danger of being hurt again. Instead the person you forgive must rebuild your trust.

I think this applies to entering a small group as well, which Rick Warren doesn't appear to acknowledge. Obviously, you can't just rock up to a bible study class and instantly expect to experience the benefits listed above, but I can see how these would develop over time if you made the committment to keep attending.

Day 17: Going to church

The Day 17 chapter is about the importance of going to church.

Interestingly, this chapter was not included in relation to the purpose of worshiping God, but instead in relation to the purpose of being part of God's family. Rick Warren writes "While your relationship with God is personal, God never intended it to be private."

On an objective level this makes perfect sense - if you have an interest in something, you tend to like being around others who have the same interest. With that in mind, its a little strange then, that a lot of people make an exception to this rule when it comes to their belief in God and going to church.

When I started writing this blog and decided to focus on religion (at least for a while), I mainly expected people to make fun of me. Religion seems to have a bad name these days. Generally you hear negative things about it - things like "people start wars and kill each other because of religion" (I tend to think that, if there was no such thing as religion, people who kill other people would have found another excuse to do so) or "monks take a vow of povety but the catholic church is the richest organisation in the world" (Luke 12:31 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and [God] will give you everything you need). So having assumed that no-one believes in God these days, I've been surprised to be picking up readers of this blog as each week goes by.

I only know one person who goes to church, my mum. In the lead up to my marraige I went to church but avoided talking about it in case people thought I was some strange bible basher who on the first opportunity would try to pressure them into coming with me. So the only reaction I got, that I can recall, is from a work collegue who said something along the lines of "its a shame they make you go to church if you want to get married there". I explained that my attendance was entirely voluntary and that I enjoyed having a hour a week where nobody was bothering me. He agreed that that would be a good thing.

Rick Warren identifies a number of reasons for going to church and being an active member of the church community:

• it identifies you as a genuine believer - this may or may not be something you want the world to know about you, but if there truely is a Judgement Day, you might want God acknowledging you as a genuine believer
• it moves you out of self-centered isolation - it gives you to opportunity to demonstrate that you do love others as you love yourself.
  
• it helps develop your spirituality - it is unlikely that you will regularly learn about God in the remainder of your daily life
• it is where God intends you to use your gifts
• it is part of Jesus's mission in the world to build a church, so attending means you are a part of it
  
• it helps you overcome temptation
  

Having read this I can see that it is silly not to go to church and so have decided to start attending again after Easter (gives me a couple of weeks to get used to getting up early on a Sunday and means I miss out on the crazy Easter services which are full of people who only go to church at Easter and Christmas.)

Day 16: Love makes the world go 'round

The Day 16 chapter is about a topic many people appear to forget, Jesus's command to love others as you love yourself.

A friend of mine was telling me recently about her two brothers, both of whom are religious but attend different churches. One brother is refusing to go to the wedding of the other brother because he goes to the "wrong" church and is, therefore, destined to go to hell. It is attitudes like this that drive people away from church and, quite frankly, if a church is promoting this belief I think it is a good thing that people are driven away from it. Fortunately, not all churches are like this. In the lead up to my wedding I attended church (because it seemed silly to me to get married in a church I didn't attend) and it certainly didn't condemn people for going to the "wrong" church.

Anyway, back to the book. This chapter explains that love is the most important part of life because:

• life without love is worthless - relationships, not possessions, are what matters in life
  
• love lasts forever - people remember how you treat them above everything else
• God will judge you on the basis of the quality of your relationships because it is a measure of your spiritual maturity

Rick Warren writes that being busy is the enemy of relationships. Having worked in a very demanding job I am well aware of this - going to work early and getting home late leaves little time to talk to your spouse, let alone catch up with friends. I did this because I was brought up to believe that work hard and being successful was important. Lately, I have been questioning this because the payoff just isn't there, and this chapter makes me question it even more.

The book suggests that you wake up each morning and tell God of your intention of spending time during the day loving God and loving other people. Something tells me that if I had done this for the last 20 years, instead of spending so much time at work, I would have had a far more fulfilling life.

Day 15: Purpose 2 - Being Part of God's Family

We are now onto the second purpose - being part of God's family.

God created us to be part of his family and this is achieved when we accept Jesus into our lives. So, if you believe Jesus is the son of God you are a child of God and the brother or sister of everyone else who also believes Jesus is the son of God.

The Bible tells us that God provides for you in this life. I'm not sure why Luke 12:23 - 32 isn't quoted, but here it is:

²³ For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. ²⁴ Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! ²⁵ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? ²⁶ And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

²⁷ “Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ²⁸ And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

²⁹ “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things. ³⁰ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. ³¹ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

³² “So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom.

And in the next life we will:

• be with God forever
• be changed to be like Jesus
  
• be free from pain, death and suffering
• be rewarded and assigned positions of service(?)*
• share in God's glory

*The idea that we will be given jobs in heaven comes from the Parable of the Three Servants in Matthew Chapter 25. Before going on a trip a man, who has three servants, gives the first servant five bags of silver, the second servant two bags of silver and the last servant one bag of silver. The first two double their money and give the master back ten and four bags of silver respectively. The master's response to both of them is "You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities." The one given one bag of silver buried it in the ground so he wouldn't lose it and so gives the Master only one bag back. The Master goes troppo at him, says "you could have at least put it in the bank to earn interest", and takes the bag and gives it to the first servant with the ten bags of silver.

²⁹ To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away. ³⁰ Now throw this useless servant into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

(Gotta love the weeping and gnashing to teeth - very bibilical.)

I really don't think the point of this parable is to tell people they will have jobs in heaven. I think its about spreading God's love and God rewarding those who spread his love and punishing people who hide his love.

I was surprised, however, that putting money in the bank was an option, as I thought the bible was against borrowing and lending money. I was also surprised that the Master is described as "a harsh man, harvesting crops you didn’t plant and gathering crops you didn’t cultivate", particularly as the Master can be interpreted as representing Jesus and theft doesn't seem to me to be something he approves of.

Interestingly, wikipedia presents an alternative interpretation of this parable (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_talents_or_minas), in which the third servant who hides the money and does not follow the sinful ways of the Master, is the one representing Jesus and the parable is about how Jesus was punished for doing the right thing.

Either way, I think infering from this parable that we will all be given jobs in heaven is a long bow to draw.

Diversion

Here's a link to a "Wordle" of this blog:


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Day 14: When God goes MIA

The Day 14 chapter is about the times in your life when everything is going wrong and you think God is ignoring you or even begin to question whether He exists.

These times are another way God tests you. When you are a child (and perhaps when you have just recently returned to the Lord?), God answers your prayers so you know he exists. But as you get older, God tests your faith so it matures.

Rick Warren spends a bit of time explaining that feeling the presence of God is not the same as the omnipresence of God. God is always with us even when we can't feel his presence. I have to say I have never felt the presence of God until I started typing this paragraph. Now I feel like there is someone in the room with me, even though I am by myself, which is very spooky.

During the times when God feels absense, Rick Warren recommends the following (with frequent references to the book of Job):

• Tell God exactly how you feel - God can handle it even if you are angry with him. While it may not be obvious, this is an act of faith becuase it shows you believe in God, you believe God is listening to you and you believe God will still love you even when you express negative emotions
• Focus on who God is - God is good, God loves you, God has a plan for your life
• Trust God to keep his promises - I'm not sure what his promises are and the book doesn't say, must start reading the bible once I finish this 40 days
  
• Remember what God has already done for you - sent his son to die on the cross to save us from hell (now I know that my knowledge of God is limited, but I don't understand why, given God sets the rules, that he set them up this way.)